BEAU - This is the most painful loss that I have experienced in all of my 75 yrs., nothing else comes close. He was with me like glue through my darkest hours. He has brought me comfort and unconditional love and joy like I never expect to know again. Beau was my deepest soul mate. Like all of my side of the family, he died prematurely. I pray that I might connect with him again in a vision or a dream.
It all happened way too fast. I took him to the vet at 11 am. He kept him for xrays and blood work. He called us in at 1:30 pm to see the xrays. There were massive tumors. The tumors against his heart made it difficult for him to breathe. The vet said that he had constant anxiety because of his difficulty breathing. (His going downhill was extremely fast too.) There was nothing that could be done. We had the rest of the afternoon with Beau at home laying up in the bed. At 6 pm the vet came to our house and we lay on the floor with Beau as the shots were given. That's the way that I wish that I could go. One of the worst parts about Beau's condition being so bad was that he needed to be put down before we had some quality time to hang out together, to fart around a bit, to sit up in the recliner and read or watch TV, to take a few very brief walks in the woods. We had no time to create some memories.
There is wave after wave of grief. Since Beau came into our lives, I have never felt alone. I love solitude; with Beau there, I was never alone. For the most part, I refused to go on trips where we could not take Beau. I always preferred to stay home with Beau to going anywhere, no matter how wonderful, without Beau. Any trip without Beau was a second rate trip.
One thing I believe with absolute certainty; we did what was best for Beau. I am struggling with where I go from here with my life. I'm not suicidal, but I am having a terrible time doing anything. And with Beau being such a constant companion, I can get no picture of a life with the quality I want as I move into the future. Moreover, with Beau, I never, ever experienced (when I first typed this, I put it in the present tense) one moment of judgment, just love and loyalty. He never once tried to shape me up, no matter how much I needed shaping up. That kind of love did more than anything else to make me a better person. My heart and soul are overwhelmed with gratitude for Beau.